Questions???Questions???Questions???

I will be turning 29 on October, but it seems I have so many things still undone. I had been working for almost 9 years but until now I do not have any savings. I don’t have my own house. I don’t have my own car. I had been to 6 different companies but I still feel that I don’t have yet the expertise in my chosen field – Garment Industry. I can say that I am fortunate enough being able to work in Vietnam and Cambodia but still not enough to boost my confidence that I am good. I have so many questions still unanswered. What am I here for? What’s my purpose? What is true happiness? Where I can find true happiness? Am I useful?

I have seen a lot of people same as my age or even younger than me that are very fulfilled and confident about themselves. Why I cannot feel the same way? I know for the fact that comparing myself with other people will make me feel inferior but comparison gives realization. It usually helps to open my mind into changes and improvement. Why is it very hard to achieve contentment? I should be happy because I have my father, mother and two younger brothers who are very supportive of me. It gives me happiness to see that I am able to help out my family but still…it doesn’t give contentment.

While working here in Cambodia, weekend and salary day gives me temporary happiness. Hanging out and talking with colleagues brings joy and ease in my life.
After all of this temporal happiness, there is somewhere that still questions life and a very deep emptiness inside of me. Emptiness gives sadness and makes a person succumb to depression. Last, year I was in a great depression. I was in so much pressure and stress. I cannot get my work done properly. I committed so many stupid mistakes and errors. There were mornings that I feel I don’t want to wake –up anymore. I would even pray for death to come on me. I just want to give –up.

Right now, the work is not much, but I do not know why I feel guilty that I don’t have much to do. I should be happy right? When I am alone, I ask myself am I being crazy? Why do I always have to worry in my so called life. Can I just be happy of what I have and no need to worry about tomorrow? I know I am not perfect but I am trying to be a good daughter, sister, employee and a Christian. There was even a time I asked my brother that I need to see a psychologist. I think I need professional help to ease down my anxiety in life.

There are times when I’m contemplating to leave this job and be a volunteer in helping people in Cambodia. But again a question will pop my head. How can I help others when I cannot even help myself. I just pray I will get over this confusion in me. I really want to be useful. I want to serve others. I want to serve God.