in every hour that i was allowed to breath and live, all i want is to please god. i am not perfect neither i am a saint. but my heart crave for eternal happiness that i know only god can give me. i know what i want and i know what i must do but there are times temptations are just too hard to resist. i had passed through dark times that only death is the best escape for me. but god never allowed me to do so. i want to live my life in god’s will and purpose. but confusion, fear, and pride clouds up my path to where i should be. there are times that when my heart is surrounded by so much happiness, i began to falter and even question my real purpose. so much happiness would even stir my heart and fool myself that i don’t need to sacrifice to know my purpose. i know in my heart and in my mind what is right and what is wrong but why i still entertain and play with temptation. why do i need to be sad and feel alone to realize once again what my heart and god asked me to do. it is not easy to give up on things who makes you happy and feel special. it takes a lot of courage and faith in the lord to live once life for others and for god.
i haven’t shed a tear for a while now. sad thoughts would leave me a bit worried but not depressed. i know only in god’s grace i can continue to live this way. right now i feel so ungrateful that i am not doing the best i can be for my purpose. lately, all i was thinking is my temporal happiness rather than my purpose. this is hard, its like shattering my heart to pieces. its like asking me to stop breathing. its like asking me to die. god, please i am asking for your unwavering grace, to make myself accept that i can only achieve eternal happiness through fulfillment of my real purpose.
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